What Actually Helps
"Are you okay?" is a start, but "I've noticed you seem a bit off lately, what's going on?" is better. Be specific. Show them you've actually been paying attention.
"Hey, I've noticed you've been [specific observation: quieter than usual / canceling plans / seem stressed]. I'm worried about you. What's actually going on?"
Resist the urge to immediately offer solutions. Most of the time, people don't want to be fixed. They want to be heard. Sit with them in it. Let them talk.
"That sounds really hard." / "I hear you." / "Tell me more about that." / "How long have you been dealing with this?"
One conversation isn't enough. Mental health struggles don't resolve overnight. A simple "thinking of you" text a week later can mean more than you know.
"Still thinking about what you shared. How are you doing today?" / "No pressure to respond, just wanted you to know I'm here if you need anything."
Avoid saying things like "I know how you feel" or sharing your own similar experience unless they ask. Right now, it's about them.
Try: "I can't fully understand what you're going through, but I'm here to listen."
"Let me know if you need anything" puts the burden on them. Instead try: "I'm free Saturday, do you want to go for a walk?" Make it easy for them to say yes.
"I'm grabbing lunch tomorrow, want me to bring you something?" / "Can I come sit with you? We don't have to talk."
The 3-Step Support Framework
When someone opens up to you, use this simple structure:
"That sounds incredibly difficult." / "I can see why you'd feel that way." Acknowledge their struggle without judgment.
"What would be helpful right now?" / "Do you need advice, or do you just need someone to listen?" Let them guide the conversation.
"Can I check in with you on Friday?" / "Let's talk again next week." Set a specific time so they know you're not just being polite.
What Doesn't Help
"Just think positive." "Other people have it worse." "You have so much to be grateful for."
These things come from a good place. But they minimise what the person is going through and can make them feel worse for struggling. Mental health isn't solved by perspective. It's complex, and it needs to be treated that way.
Other phrases to avoid: "It's all in your head," "You just need to try harder," "Everyone goes through this," "Have you tried [insert wellness trend]?"
If You're Worried About Someone's Safety
If you think someone is at risk of hurting themselves, ask them directly. Asking about suicide does not increase the risk — it often comes as a relief to the person who is struggling.
What to actually say:
- "Are you thinking about hurting yourself?"
- "Have you been having thoughts of suicide?"
- "Do you have a plan to end your life?"
If they say yes to any of these:
- Stay with them. Do not leave them alone.
- Remove any means of self-harm if safely possible.
- Call 111 (NZ emergency services) if immediate danger.
- Text or call 1737 for crisis support (free, 24/7).
- Encourage them to contact I Am Hope (iamhope.org.nz).
You don't need to be a professional. You just need to stay present and get them connected to help.
Why This Matters to StaggeredCo
We built this brand because we've been on both sides of this conversation. We've needed support. We've tried to give it. We've fumbled. We've learned.
Every person wearing StaggeredCo is someone who understands: showing up for each other isn't optional. It's how we survive. It's how we break the stigma. It's how we make sure none of us has to stagger alone.
You don't have to be a professional to make a difference. Sometimes being a good friend is enough.